Rosary.

Last night, thinking about Mother's Day, made me break down. I couldn't stop crying. So, I grabbed my rosary and thought to myself, who would better understand than Mary. So as I said the Hail Mary's and the rosary, I began to be physically sick. I was feeling like I was going to throw up and I had to grab the beads hard so they wouldn't slip out of my hands. My head this intense pressure in it. The slightest noise would distract me. I don't want to sound crazy but it was almost like someone didn't want me praying, or something. I went to Brian, crying, because it scared me....it really scared me. I fell asleep with the rosary in my hand and thats how I woke up, (late for work I might add lol) with the rosary in my hand.


I don't know if that made a difference, but it made me feel safer. So as you celebrate this Mother's day and you think of all the wonderful things your mom has done for you. Think of Mary and what a wonderful mother she was to give up her ONLY son, to save us, so that we might all be able to go to Heaven.

So, Mary, Happy Mother's Day.


Pax,

Aprill

Update :)

I had my meeting with Father Fryar and Brian on Thursday. We went over the lessons that I had been working on the last few weeks. I was really nervous and I stuttered my answers a bit more than I would have liked but, what do you do.

The more I learn the more I realize this really is the right place for me. The answers from the Catholic Church make sense, and I always feel at home, even when it was a little ackward for me at the Latin Mass. Now, here I am taking a "rcia" class and going to go through all of this in a Latin Mass Community. It's a bit overwhelming to see the fate of my soul in my hands, and then you realize you have had that all along. There is never a time in your life when the choices you make aren't your own. You make the choice...always. Does that make confession of your sins any easier? No...of course not, but at least other Catholic's can confess.

At mass last week, the first communion of some elementary school kids happened. I was moved, but moreover, I was...::Sigh:: I was jealous and at first actually a bit spiteful. Here I have been for 2 years, going to mass, trying to be a good Catholic (I've made my fair share of mistakes, and sinned.), but yet, I can not take communion. I am not baptized. I know there is a path you must take....but sometimes I feel like its not fair. I know jealousy/envy is a sin, but at least I am longing for the right things? I mean seriously, Catholics who are out there, I hope you read this, because you have these things, you might take for granted.

I want to go to confession, but I can't.
I want to take communion, but I can't.
I want to be baptized, but not yet.

You get indulgences, and confession and communion. Freely. God has given you no limits of his mercy. He has given you these amazing graces. Please don't take these for granted. These are amazing gifts from God that not everyone has access to. To be Catholic means to have these things. There are people longing to have these things!

I don't mean to be whiney. God knows in my heart, that I just want to have those things. I am in state of sin, without Grace. I am working on it, but its a long journey. So if I stop you along the way and ask you a few questions, remember its all to learn.

For now I shall go, but do not forget me.

Aprill