Prayers, Guidance and Guilt.

As many of you know, Brian's mother, Linda, My God-mother, had emergency back surgery last friday on August 10th. (Prayer part) She was unable to do very simple things after the surgery (hello, they cut into her spinal cord!), but Brian and I were there to help, as were some of Linda's friends. She is recovering and was doing a lot better when we left Friday night (8.17.07). Our flight was delayed, and we got home about an hour and half later than I expected/hoped. Linda keeps thanking me, and I just think everytime, you would have done the same for me. She's been really amazing, and been there through some stuff, and trust me, shes an amazing lady. (thats the guidance part.)

As for the (guilt part), I haven't been to church in almost a month. Between being exhausted from work and not even able to stay awake on the ride home, from emergency back surgery, I haven't been to confession or church in a month. It comes to that point when you realize a few things...like they say, the longer you are away, the more you can justify it and not go again, or the more you realize that you are taking the wrong steps and need to get back to it.

I'm on the latter side of that. I really can't wait to go back to church tomorrow, and go to confession. Thank the LORD He gave us that sacrement, and all His love and graces. Right now, I am sure I will have a pretty heavy penance, or perhaps, I have made it worse than it seems....

Anyway, back to work :) This 10 minute break was fun, I'll do it more often...*smiles*

Rawr-slightly discouraged today.

I love CF, really I do, but today RAWR. I'm about at my wits end trying to defend the TLM and the crazy misconceptions and people taking what I say the wrong way.

THE TLM ISN'T ALL IN LATIN. RAWR! The readings are repeated in English as well as the Homily is in English. Why do people think that you'd be so lost and the Church wouldn't want you to understand whats going on? That's just a bit silly.

Anyway, as I sit here writing this I realize its just a forum, and I'm probably too worked up, but however, I will still stand up for what I believe in.

Am I slacking or what?!

Another month goes by before I post again. It's not because I don't want to write, its merely because sometimes I preoccupied with many things going on in my life. However, my last meeting with Father Fryar inspired me. He has asked me to help/assitant teach and possibly later teach the Catechism class. This is very amazing for me because I am really in a way just beginning my Catholic journey (who knew after 2 years of studying that it would only continue).

I feel better now, I really do, about life, about myself, and most of all about my faith. I wasn't always really proud because I didn't feel like I knew enough, I still don't but I WANT to learn. I haven't had this much passion towards anything in a long time in my life, and it couldn't have happened with a better reason!

I really am in a place right now where not only am I learning more about my faith, I'm in a position where people are asking me questions....which is not only amazing to me, because I'm still learning, but it is also a teaching learning that I'm learning. By them asking me these different questions ( I had much different questions), I am not only learning more about my faith (and loving it) but exploring new areas of my faith!

This is so amazing! I am so grateful for Father Fryar, Father Jim, Brian and all my Catholic CF friends who have been supportive and helping me learn.

The new CF may not be anything close to what it used to be in a way but in another way it made me more active and that is why I am learning! So in a way I'm glad. (Although, in another way Catholics bashing other Catholics for going with the church is a bit obsecure...).

Anyway for now, I PROMISE to write more! I'm off to work some worky work stuff ;)

Peace be with you and your family!

It's been too long since I posted:

Well yesterday was my baptism, confirmation and first communion. I know, that's a loaded statement, and I will elaborate. First some rather disturbing news came my way this morning. My dad called and told me, this guy I used to date, named Brad, has brian cancer. It was most disturbing but brought me to the realization that yesterday was even more beautiful and precious now, realizing again how short life really is. So please put him in your prayers.


Okay elaboration of the most beautiful and powerful thing that has ever happened to me. I was very nervous, so nervous I was shaking, and everyone was really reassured me, but it was still nerve racking for me. Before the ceremony, at home, I began to pray at our alter, and I asked for a blessing on this day and for strength and all the graces and beauty associated with these sacraments.

At the church, Father began the ceremony, and I nervously stumbled over the simple, Our Fathers I had to say, including Father having to prompt me. As it continued, I began to have trouble not crying. As I said the words, I do renounce him, I began t o realize that this was all very real, and that I in my heart could not have imagined such an overwhelming presence. I was being watched, not just by the people but by Christ himself, it seemed. As we continued on, and I was prostrating, I felt compelled to ask for forgiveness, and to thank Christ for what he has done. It was most humbling to be laying on the ground and to look up and see the crucifix above you, looking at you so powerfully.

As we continued and I was anointed with water, and oils and thumbs, it was overwhelming the presence that I felt. As the water was poured over my head, I felt as if my entire body had water poured down it cascading over me, and washing me. I felt and inner peace that is still in me at the moment. As we finished the baptism, I realized with the hands of my two God Parents-Linda and Brian M. that I am loved, and that God loves me.

At the confirmation, I was still nervous, I wanted to be perfect in the eyes of the Lord, I wanted to be nothing less than what he needs me to be. At confirmation I felt affirmed that I am a solider of Christ, and that I will have a new bigger destiny ahead of me. As Linda's hand was on my shoulder, *smiles*, I felt another invisible hand on my other. Unexplainable perfection.

As we did a "mini" mass, I guess you can call it that, Father Fryar showed us in the missial, and it was the Feast day of St. Peter and St. Paul. As Brian showed me the words from the Gospel, I realized that this day was perfect, that this day honoring the beginning of Catholicism, is my day to be honored in the beginning of my journey with Catholicism.

I told Brian this later, but at my first communion, I tasted flesh. I did not taste a "cracker." I'll tell you the same thing I told him, perhaps it was merely because I wanted it to, but I felt the presence, and I felt the graces showering on me. Perhaps, like I said, it's because I wanted it, I needed to feel it, but for me tasting of communion was a most sacred and beautiful thing.


Anyway, if you have questions or want more details let me know...this was truly an amazing blessing from God.

Pax,

Aprill Anne

The day is getting closer...

As the day of the baptism gets closer and closer, I am more affirmed in my choice. Little things tell me that I am on the right path...and that's a beautiful thing.


It's 5fricken in the morning! I should probably go to sleep, but the need to type and think overcome me when I lay down! Nothing profound coming to mind and no epiphanies... As the day approaches I do see more of my life in a different light. I see my future, instead of just right now. *Yawn* Oy, sleep now comes to me, when I am on the verge of purging my soul of these thoughts that were a few hours ago tormenting me from slumber. My future awaits a beauty that I have not foreseen, and that I even now, can't completely comprehend. I see this as a beginning of a journey...like I am at a fork in the road, and I am finally making a choice to be an adult. I know I am 23 years old, but for the first time in my life I realize how little responsibility I have taken for my actions. I am truly in a state of repentance. No more excuses, and no more blaming others.

This again brings me to my next revelation. I am a jealous and insecure person, which before this relationship, I would have said insecure but never jealous. But here I am at 5 am contemplating things I have been reassured a million times. This ring on my finger is a promise...a beautiful promise, and I need to see that when I look at it. And, most of all, no matter how vain, I am pretty! I am not ugly! I am a beautiful person. I need to act differently. The world is not a chore, the world is a beautiful place of God's creation!

I can not keep my eyes open any longer...*passes out*

Peace be with you and your spirit!

Tiny Differences:

So the changing news, it was stupid, so thanks for your prayers! Well I was talking to Brian the other night, and I was thinking, for now until I'm a little bit more stable in my job and life, that I could at least say one rosary a day just for the ladies considering abortion. It's something small but it could reallly help. The power fo prayer is amazing.

So, this week at my meeting we talked about the kingdom of God. The three churches that coinside as one, The Triumphant (Heaven), The Suffering(Pergatory), and the church on Earth (The name escapes me right now.) So, therefor we all have to work together, praying to the saints, for the souls in pergatory, and for people here who are suffering. Grace and prayers! (Mmm Catholicism?) Anyway, really just take a minute to say something as simple as a Our Father, or a Hail Mary, everyday!

*more later*

Aprill

*Back* This is from an email that was forwarded to me but I like it so read it!

Dear God: Why didn't you save the school children at
Moses Lake,Washington 2/2/96
Bethel, Alaska 2/19/97
Pearl , Mississippi 10/1/97
West Paducah , Kentucky 12/1/97
Stamp, Arkansas 12/15/97
Jonesboro , Arkansas 3/24/98
Edinboro , Pennsylvania 4/24/98
Fayetteville , Tennessee 5/19/98
Springfield , Oregon 5/21/98
Richmond , Virginia 6/15/98
Littleton , Colorado 4/20/99
Taber , Alberta , Canada 5/28/99
Conyers , Georgia 5/20/99Deming , New Mexico 11/19/99
Fort Gibson , Oklahoma 12/6/99
Santee , California 3/ 5/01
El Cajon , California 3/22/01
Sincerely,
Concerned Student

Dear Concerned Student
I am not allowed in schools.
Sincerely,
God
***************************************************************
How did this get started?...
Let's see, I think it started when Madeline Murray O'Hare complained she didn't want any prayer in our schools. And we said, OK.
Then, someone said you better not read the Bible in school, the Bible that says 'thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbors as yourself,' And we said, OK...
Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehaved because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem. And we said, an expert should know what he's talking about so we won't spank them anymore..
Then someone said teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. And the school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity, and we surely don't want to be sued. And we accepted their reasoning..

Then someone said, let's let our daughters have abortions if they want, and they won't even have to tell their parents. And we said, that's a grand idea...

Then some wise school board member said, since boys will be boys and they're going to do it anyway, let's give our sons all the condoms they want, so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won't have to tell their parents they got them at school. And we said, that's another great idea..
Then some of our top elected officials said it doesn't matter what we do in private as long as we do our jobs. And we said, it doesn't matter what anybodydoes in private as long as we have jobs and the economy is good....
And someone else took that appreciation a step further and published pictures of nude children and then stepped further still by making them available on the Internet. And we said, everyone's entitled to free speech....
And the entertainment industry said, let's make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence and illicit sex... And let's record music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes.. And we said, it's just entertainment and it has no adverse effect and nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.
Now we're asking ourselves
why our children have no conscience,
why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, classmates or even themselves.
Undoubtedly, if we thought about it long and hard enough, we could figure it out. I'm sure it has a great deal to do with...
We Reap WHAT WE SOW!

*******************************************************************************

I thought that was really awesome! Seriously children get a way with so much! Anyway, gotta get ready for Mass! (w00t). But, really fast, the wedding yesterday was so beautiful and really affirmed everything! Not to mention Brian and I talked about getting married and it has to be the LATIN mass! (Soooo pretty!!! I cried!))

Been a while...

Thought I'd update for those of you that do read....does...anyone read this? I'll assume so! I have been taking my classes with Father Fryar, and it's been going really well. It leads to discussions between Brian and me, which is always a good thing. So, after a few weeks, I asked Father about my baptism, seeing as I want Brian's family there, and he said he felt there was no need to seperate the Baptism, Confirmation and first communion. That's 3 sacrements in one day! (woohoo!!)

Meanwhile, my prayer studies have suffered a little from my laziness, and my tiredness. I have been extremely sleepy for whatever reason. I feel like I could sleep all day....*yawn*. I learned the Apostles creed....and I am working on another. The Apostles Creed, really does affirm what I believe, and saying it outloud, (when not underpressure trying to make sure I have it right, of course) really makes me feel stronger about my choice. Brian brought up a good point though, that feelings, although good, won't always be there. Some days I will falter, and some days will be harder than others....but to truly believe, means you know you will get through those.

This week I found out some rather interesting news, which I am not really ready to share right now, but it's life changing. So I need some prayers for some clarity, please. It's not a bad thing, so no worries, but it's something that defines my future.


Anyway, God Bless, I'll try to be more diligant about writing....

Rosary.

Last night, thinking about Mother's Day, made me break down. I couldn't stop crying. So, I grabbed my rosary and thought to myself, who would better understand than Mary. So as I said the Hail Mary's and the rosary, I began to be physically sick. I was feeling like I was going to throw up and I had to grab the beads hard so they wouldn't slip out of my hands. My head this intense pressure in it. The slightest noise would distract me. I don't want to sound crazy but it was almost like someone didn't want me praying, or something. I went to Brian, crying, because it scared me....it really scared me. I fell asleep with the rosary in my hand and thats how I woke up, (late for work I might add lol) with the rosary in my hand.


I don't know if that made a difference, but it made me feel safer. So as you celebrate this Mother's day and you think of all the wonderful things your mom has done for you. Think of Mary and what a wonderful mother she was to give up her ONLY son, to save us, so that we might all be able to go to Heaven.

So, Mary, Happy Mother's Day.


Pax,

Aprill

Update :)

I had my meeting with Father Fryar and Brian on Thursday. We went over the lessons that I had been working on the last few weeks. I was really nervous and I stuttered my answers a bit more than I would have liked but, what do you do.

The more I learn the more I realize this really is the right place for me. The answers from the Catholic Church make sense, and I always feel at home, even when it was a little ackward for me at the Latin Mass. Now, here I am taking a "rcia" class and going to go through all of this in a Latin Mass Community. It's a bit overwhelming to see the fate of my soul in my hands, and then you realize you have had that all along. There is never a time in your life when the choices you make aren't your own. You make the choice...always. Does that make confession of your sins any easier? No...of course not, but at least other Catholic's can confess.

At mass last week, the first communion of some elementary school kids happened. I was moved, but moreover, I was...::Sigh:: I was jealous and at first actually a bit spiteful. Here I have been for 2 years, going to mass, trying to be a good Catholic (I've made my fair share of mistakes, and sinned.), but yet, I can not take communion. I am not baptized. I know there is a path you must take....but sometimes I feel like its not fair. I know jealousy/envy is a sin, but at least I am longing for the right things? I mean seriously, Catholics who are out there, I hope you read this, because you have these things, you might take for granted.

I want to go to confession, but I can't.
I want to take communion, but I can't.
I want to be baptized, but not yet.

You get indulgences, and confession and communion. Freely. God has given you no limits of his mercy. He has given you these amazing graces. Please don't take these for granted. These are amazing gifts from God that not everyone has access to. To be Catholic means to have these things. There are people longing to have these things!

I don't mean to be whiney. God knows in my heart, that I just want to have those things. I am in state of sin, without Grace. I am working on it, but its a long journey. So if I stop you along the way and ask you a few questions, remember its all to learn.

For now I shall go, but do not forget me.

Aprill

Since everyone seems to be here:

I am offically moving my /livejournal/ blog to here :) Maybe this way I can actually get some feedback thats not my boyfriend?

Anyways, Here are all my previous posts, including tonight:




I deleted my orginal post :P
April 29th, 2007 (02:56 am)

I just deleted my orginal post, for well, I guess for reasons unknown to you :P. I wanted it to be on a happier note...and that was some negativity that was really unessicary towards a generalization of people that wasn't fair.ANYWAY- Brian and I met with Father Fryar on Thursday. It was really cool! I am going to be taking "classes" from him, and reading and stuffs. I am really excited. I asked Linda and David *(Brian's Parents)* to be my God Parents for the ceremony. I am waiting to hear back from them sunday or monday about what they have decided. I hope they say yes, they are people I look up to and admire and respect. They have been there through some rough times in my life, and I know that I betrayed them at one point, and at the time I honestly thought that was the right choice...anyway that's a whole nother subject, but my point is that they are really great :) I am so blessed already to have them in my life. Brian's asleep now, actually, I am at work...for some crazy reason, I volunteered for this random shift to be added on to my normal one....Oh yeah, I'm broke :-P. Anyway, this is supposed to be my religious blog, about my journey....but yeah...I know I'm straying a lot, its 3am, I haven't slept but 3 hours in the last ...two days with no sleep in sight. My minds a bit loopy around the edges. Hell, I think its actually bouncing up and down!Anyway! So, as the Pope starts to finalize the documents which would bring the traditonal mass back into practice, I feel have one thing to say. Brian and I talked about it.Any bishop who doesn't support the Pope and doesn't comply with the document, should be excommunicated. We need some serious bishops in the united states, ones that care, and are interested in whats best for the church, not keeping up with mainstream fundamentalism. Well....I'm fading with my energy to keep typing..More perhaps at a later hour,Aprill


Wow, its been awhile.
April 14th, 2007 (09:36 am)
1
Due to many factors, Brian's parents coming to visit, started a new job...you know..life happened.Anyway, we have been regularly attending mass now, and it really makes me feel a lot better. I know I am not "offically" catholic or anything, but its like...going home after a long days work. It just feels right.So, this week, I am going to contact the Latin mass organization that will help me, hopefully fufill my RCIA classes so that next Easter, I can be a "true" Catholic.Soy, Moy Catolico :P (I am very Catholic). Its really nice here at my new job, having respect for my religious beliefs and allowing me to leave work on time on Sundays in order to go to church.Well more later, I actually have some work to do now :)


I was thinking.
January 20th, 2007 (10:27 am)

So my boss yesterday told me I had to work 1-6pm either Saturday or Sunday. I told him Saturday because I go to church on Sunday. So I was thinking, can they fire you or anything like that if you refuse to work on Sundays? I mean its the holy day, and you aren't supposed to work. I mean I wouldn't mind working after mass. I just...don't think I should have to miss Mass because I work Saturday night and Sunday morning. Does anyone know, if legally, they can do anything if you refuse because of church?Curious,Aprill


Okay, I am back :)
January 14th, 2007 (06:42 pm)
current mood: contemplative
1
If you are thinking of becoming Catholic and you just want something to listen to, that discusses the differences between Catholics and Mormons, I have a great podcast for you to listen to.http://catholicmormon.libsyn.com/These people are awesome, down to earth and just easy to listen to. I know that its helping Brian and I talk about a lot of things, especially what's important to us, and our past religious experiences. So I offer you this, so that you too can listen, and maybe you can get something out of it too :).Also, I have a prayer request for you. My friend Kearna has lost two people she loves in less than a year. She has lost her grandfather and her father. This is a really difficult time for her, so I ask that you pray for and for some peace for her grieving family.I have a lost more on my mind, so bear with me :) So, today we went to a Latin New Order Mass, which is different from the Tridentine Mass, and I don't have the details on how and why they are different, other than my own person experience. Anyway, it actually was kind of lame. I liked the New Order, but it lacked....respect for the Mass it self, it was in this monitone voice....not even any chanting...nothing. I felt like I didn't even attend mass today. It was really disappointing. ::pauses to check on dinner:: (It's not done, if you are curious lol).Anyway, I stray from my original point I suppose. I didn't feel His presence today until we went into the adoration chapel. I have no idea why, maybe because I prayed after mass, and said that I needed to feel His presence....I can't explain that need, it was just a spiritual need. That is what is so important to me at the Catholic Church is the presence of Christ himself. I don't know how to explain that to someone who isn't Catholic or doesn't attend a Catholic Mass. If you ever!!! want to experience the most beautiful service you have ever seen, go to the Easter Vigil Mass. You will be moved. I cried, and it was the first time in my life that I TRULY, Understood the presence of Christ...Well, I am off to ponder my day and the beautiful walk on the mountains.Peace be with you,Aprill****************************Here's A Poem I wrote*************************Walked outside with the light on my face,wondering if I had begun to fall from your grace.My mind wonders off to ponder the years,still standing keeping me from my fears.Walked outside with the light at my side,Knowing that I betrayed myself on the inside.My mind wonders why I just have begun to see,when you have never forgotten or left me.He's been my shining star,He's been my rock when I was weak.He holds me up when I can not stand.He loves me when I turn my back.You have always been there,No what what I've said or done.All the years i have had my funNow After all you have helped me through..what can i do for you...When I cry at night I see your light,Knowing that I can be saved.When I see them disgracing your name,Takes all I have not to scream.Walked outside with the light at my side,Knowing that I betrayed myself on the inside.My mind wonders why I just have begun to see,when you have never forgotten or left me.Walked outside with the light at my back,finally understanding all that I lack,My head starts to clear and I begun to know,that I have the power to save my own soul.One of these days I will wake up,From being so selfish.I will look to you and smile,instead of asking why.One of these days I will be happy,while knowing you are by my side.I will look to you and praise,instead of wondering how.


Movies: The Davinci Code and Therese
January 14th, 2007 (02:18 pm)

So, I come to you upon watching two very very different movies. One being the most...annoying movie filled with such heresies and facts that even the writer can not keep straight, and the other seemingly unimportant, until you begin to think about it.What does this mean to offer it up in a little way? To be so humble as to take blame for something you did not do, and not think about it again, other than to offer it as a suffering. To be so humble, and selfless is so rare, which makes sense why they have made this movie about this young girl, who died at the age of 15. Who was so sick, and yet, did not once blame God, or deny him, but to out loud say she loves God, that her God has not left her. To pray and to love him no matter....even on her death bed.I only wish that one day my whole heart can be offered up, as I fear I am learning that I do deny God full entry into my heart. I go now to further reflect....this is more than I can type...Aprill


First Post
January 14th, 2007 (02:17 pm)

Hey friends! Been a long time, not that I am sure anyone really even reads this :P. I have decided that this will be my place to voice how I feel religiously, and my journey on my recently choice of becoming Catholic. If you wish to ask me questions, or debate that is fine, but do so in a RESPECTFUL manner or I'll just block you ;). I am a patient and open minded person, but NO ONE has the right to disrespect anyone elses religious beliefs as, that is in the bible itself, "Judge not, least be judged yourself."So, on that note, I bring you my first, religious entry of many to come, and I hope that you will read it and take it only as it is, a persons journey to becoming Catholic.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~I woke up this morning, feeling again, as if I had been hysterically crying. I have had this dream for the last three nights, and then it dawned on me that it was after the night, I said outloud that I wanted to be Catholic. Some could take this as a sign, that I don't want to be Catholic, but I look at it, after much remember this time, that God is in my dream, and I am crying for betraying him in my heart, and for being so sinful. I am FULL of mortal sin, and if I died today, I can only hope the Lord would have mercy on my soul. Not to mention, I have never been baptized. Orginal Sin, FTL. :P. I know that in my dream, I am realizing what it means to hurt...to feel that seperation from God, and I woke up physically aching. Which is totally weird. All in all, I woke up, and prayed. I prayed for the strength to take this journey, for it is a long, long road, and a never ending journey to the Truth of God.I watched some CWN (Christian World News) channel last night, eh. I have to admit, although I enjoy some of the programs Brian watches on EWTN, this channel we watched last night, made me laugh. It's one thing to expose the herisy of the book, "The Da Vinci Code." But its another, to go to the lengths this show did. The show after, was a very "general" Christian look at the herisies in the book, which is important. It wasn't towards any specific religion, leaving it open to the normal mind, and the doubtful. However, I know some of you are looking at me like I am crazy, because it is listed as a "fiction" book. I have something to say, PFFFT. IF you believe that after reading the first page, which is listed as FACT...well then your silly! Especially since there is a lawsuit because this man didn't even use his own ideas, but the work of another man who CLEARLY states his book was for entertainment, and has NO Facts in it. Anyway, any scholar, and is recongized by society discredits all these said "Facts" making this book, a heresy but and OUTRAGE!I don't know too many of the details, just the things I saw on the TV last night. I might actually go read the book, only to provoke me into more research for the Truth. The best thing to have in a battle in knowledge, and I am in the battle of the century for my own soul. If any of you have read the book, feel free to leave some opinions as I am OPEN minded, just like I said, please don't disrespect me, or my believes. I already know what SOME people think of Catholics: Mary and Pope Worshippers, Saint Worshippers, Pope is the Anti-Christ (Ironically, Jesus gave us our first pope, Peter(the rock)), you have to pay to get into heaven, etc, etc. So don't even bother if thats your thoughts when reading this. I will respect your opinion, and expect you to do the same. Also, if you do want to tell me WHY you believe, I do NOT accept Bible quotes as your opinion on you believes, only as a fact to support your opinion...if you can't understand what I just said, then silly head, go post somewhere else ;)Anyway, thats all for now, as I am not use to typing this much, and my wrists and hand are already starting to hurt. (not to mention I scrubbed the fridge, tub and floor yesterday) Ack! :)Servo per Dilligo,With love, I protect.Aprill


In the process.
January 14th, 2007 (02:15 pm)

I am going to move all my religious blogs to this one as the name makes more sense...So...keep checking back :)